even when I know I shouldn't.
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: I don't know what this is, but I just made it to project the thoughts of a disturbed Hiro who's drunk and misses Shuichi.


disclaimer: Yui doesn't own Gravi. Murakami sensei does. Anti Nostalgic is Kotani Kinya's.  
  
  
even when I know I shouldn't.  
by Yui Miyamoto  
  
  
I wandered the streets of Tokyo in a lull. "Stupid. Baka," I mumbled to myself.  
  
I wanted to shout it all out. I wanted to go right up to him and tell him everything then and there.  
  
What the hell are you doing in front of his apartment, Hiro?! The light's on but that's probably Yuki still working.  
Lucky bastard.  
  
How come you get to keep MY Shuichi?! HE'S MINE, DAMMIT!  
  
But there I still stared at the window above me in full amazement. I could just imagine Shuichi sleeping on the bed peacefully. Knowing him, he probably had his mouth slightly open and mumbling something about food, Yuki, or music. Whatever it was, I knew how he was.  
  
That boy always hid out in my place whenever he was in trouble. Whenever he was in trouble, he knew where to go.  
  
And it drove me nuts.  
  
It meant that I would have to give him back to the world when he was done.  
  
Hear that Shuichi?! How come you're using me as a punching bag? I bet you're laughing inside about how much you can use me!  
Laugh, cry, smile, I take it all!  
  
My eyes began to wince. "Yes, I will accept anything, won't I, Shuichi?" I whispered to myself.  
  
whether I'm killing myself, my heart is aching beyond belief, smiling just for you...I'm being Hiro.  
The proud Hiro.  
The Hiro that doesn't want to make you worry. The Hiro that will always take care of you.  
  
And whenever this Hiro thinks he's over you, you do something out of the blue that will make him crazy for you all over again.  
  
Like today, you borrowed Kumagorou. Because I did something to your favor (well, it was more like saying yes to you because I couldn't resist it), you took Kumagorou and kissed it. Then, you kissed me on the cheek too.  
  
You have no shame.  
  
You'll kiss me, hug me, do anything with me in public. Just like a doll. Just like a toy.  
  
Just like a willing puppet, I let you.  
I can't fight it when I'm melting.  
  
Damn you, Shuichi!!!!!!  
  
Why'd you have to look out the roof that day with a frown when we first talked to one another? Because you were so genki in class, I thought something was definitely wrong and I thought I should have helped.  
  
I shouldn't have gone up to you that day...  
  
And I promised to help you with your dream. Until, it became my dream too.  
  
  
Why'd you have mess up my head?   
  
  
Shuichi, I love you so much it hurts. I wrote that in a letter before and I ripped it up. I was about to tell you, but the timing was always off.  
  
And when I thought I should, I couldn't anymore.  
  
I don't just love you for your personality...  
your body...  
your passion...  
  
It is more than that.  
  
  
And when you left to go away on trips, I went crazy with concern and worry. Then, you'd come back from the trip with a smile, but as if you didn't miss me that much.  
Of course, you never had reason to worry about me. I never gave you reason to.  
  
I didn't want you to.  
  
"Hiro, what's wrong?" You said one day to me in high school.  
  
"Nothing," I had answered back.  
  
"Tell me."  
  
"I can't. Just leave me alone for a while okay?" I walked away.  
  
  
I regretted that I said that. You cried so much and I felt so guilt that I vowed never to let you cry again from anything else but your own stupidity.  
  
I can't stand it when you cry.  
Especially when it comes to Yuki.  
  
I can't stand it anymore! I can't just stand here and watch you love someone that doesn't seem to care about you. You even told me you fought because you suspected that he still gave keys out to people.  
  
Shuichi, you are NOT just another person that someone can pass on the street. I shake my head.  
  
You are not!!!  
  
I'll never accept it!!!  
  
  
That same day, I said sorry with my hands on your shoulders and you nodded at me that it was okay.  
  
  
It began to rain at that moment. Just like that day.  
  
  
Today...  
Today I will forget about you.   
  
My head began to ache as the alcohol wore off.  
  
At that moment, Shuichi appeared before me. "Hiro? I knew it was you from the balcony!"  
  
Silence.  
  
"Hiro? What's wrong?"  
  
Pitter patter...  
  
I turned around though I knew he could not see the shame on my face.  
  
"Nothing. I was just passing by."  
  
  
But was I one of those people you were just passing by, Shuichi? Will you leave me someday?  
  
I...I don't want to think of that day.  
  
  
He went up to me and said, "I'll take you home."  
  
"What you brings you out here, Shuichi?"  
  
"I...I couldn't go to sleep."  
  
"You were going to walk in this rain?! You'll catch a cold."  
  
"Look who's talking."  
  
  
When he had brought me to my door, I said, "Thanks...do you want to come in?"  
  
"Naw, I'll go back. Yuki might worry."  
  
I then stepped forward and closed my eyes as I kissed his forehead. "That's what's wrong."  
  
"I don't understand, Hiro." He looked at me confused.  
  
I patted his head. "You don't have to."  
  
"I want to. My Hiro is sad. I can tell he's been crying."  
  
"Forget about it." I smiled wistfully.  
  
He then dropped his umbrella and began to cry as he wrapped his arms around me. "Why can't I just be with you, Hiro..." he whispered almost inaudibly.  
  
I hugged him back as I whispered without discretion, "Because I'll never give you back to the world."  
  
Then, I let him go as I wiped his tears away with my sleeve. "Go to bed."  
  
He shook his head like a child. "I...don't want to go back right now."  
  
I laughed. "Okay, okay, then come in."  
  
As I changed and got onto the couch, Shuichi snuggled on top of me. I then put a warm blanket over us. He fell asleep as he said, "Thanks, Hiro."  
  
I looked down at my pink genki ball and a heavy burden came crashing upon me once again. I was again a fool.  
  
Stupid, stupid Hiro...  
For someone so smart, how can you put up with this? How can you do this to yourself?  
  
  
I embraced him while a tear slipped down my cheek and to the side of my face. Then, a streamed formed as well as the ones on the sliding door connecting to the balcony.  
  
"You baka." I whispered in endearment.   
  
I then closed my eyes. "Even when I know I shouldn't, Why do I love you so much?"  
  
It was then that I began to sing softly to his ear a song that I had made only completely for him called 'anti nostalgic':  
  
Toumei ga yozora somete  
hitori aruku itsumo no kaeri michi  
  
The dye of the transparent night sky  
Walking alone Always on the path returning home  
  
kuchizusamu konna kimochi  
nemuru kimi ni todoketai na Oh... Um...  
  
Humming to myself This kind of feeling  
I want to reach but can't, the sleeping you Oh...Um...  
  
Nanika ni obieteru jibun ga chotto iya ni naru  
tsugeru omoi tori nokoshita hibi ni...  
dokoka ni wasureteru kokoro ga chotto itaku naru  
toki wo tsunagu hoshi no yoru ni kimi wo sagashiteru  
  
Being frightened by something, I become a little uncomfortable.  
Telling my thoughts to the lost bird, day after day...  
Forgetting somewhere The heart becomes a little hurt  
Time connects to the night star to finding you  
  
tozakaru kumo ni nosete  
boku no kimochi tachi tomaru kaeri michi  
  
To withdraw The cloud carries away  
My feelings Stopping to just stand on the path returning home  
  
  
kimi wa mou yume no tsuzuki  
todoku hazu mo nai koto da to wakatte iru  
  
You are already of the continuing dream  
With not the intention of being reached and I understand  
  
namida ga koboreteru egao ga chotto hoshikunaru  
dareka ga toi kakeru rikutsu ga motto hoshiku naru  
kimi no soba ni ireru dake de boku wa...  
kieru kage ni mabushi sugita hibi wo utsushiteru  
  
Tears falling I don't just want a little smile  
I want to exist only near you. (I only want to be with you.)  
Someone asks a question The reason I really don't want to know.  
The fading silhouette reflects everyday in the excessively blinding light   
  
Nanika ni obieteru jibun ga chotto iya ni naru  
tsugeru omoi tori nokoshita hibi ni...  
doko ka ni wasureteru kokooro ga chotto itaku naru  
toki wo tsunagu hoshi no yoru ni kimi wo sagashiteru  
  
Being frightened by something, I become a little uncomfortable.  
Telling my thoughts to the lost bird, day after day...  
Forgetting somewhere The heart becomes a little hurt  
Time connects to the night star to finding you  
  
  
  
  
Yes, when you're running from the world, I know you'll come back to me.  
  
  
You are mine.  
Completely mine.  
  
I'll accept it. Even if only that.  
  
  
Because when I'm running from the world,   
I've noticed that it rains its sorrow with me...  
  
  
Tell me...  
Why do I always miss you when you're just in front of me, Shuichi?  
  
  
---  
Author's note: I don't know why I made this. Maybe my fics, whether original or fan-based are parts of my life that I don't like sharing by saying them aloud. Well, there will always be a small detail that is correct as far as I can see...  
  
WAH!!!!!!!!!!! Hiro!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Don't mind me, it's almost three in the morning and I can't fall asleep and that awesome rave song is playing, "Angels are crying..."  
  
I'm sorry if this fic makes no sense. It was just my emotions running wild for no apparent reason. How can I miss someone so much when they're not even there to begin with? 


End file.
